Identity Uncertainty

2005-02-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

whad have we become?

we kicked off so well at the beginning and thought nth would break us. well it seems like everything gd has to pull a halt and we all eventually hafta face whadever reality takes us to. 2 of my bestest friends whom I can savely say that I can relate to are the 2 people who prefers to be MIA for the longest time in my life. sometimes I wonder whyye cant I be like them - to be capable of putting every else aside until my work is done. it's not impossible, it's matter of choice. as I grow up, I begin to realise that it's necessary not to be dependant on anybody emotionally. there is just nobody who is capable of fulfilling the constant need to be accompanied when my spirits are low. life brings new challenges to us every damn second of the day and we decide how we want to deal with it. the instant cure for a troubled mind is to think simple. now that I do, superficiality doesnt seem like such a bad idea afterall. to be able to detach from a world of problems is a choice we all hafta make - the difference is: how we get to it. I've been to this junction many times before and I was in a state of denial until now. learning to be lonely is not as pathetic and sad as it seems because happiness is contentment from within.

everyday is a fight to survive for the next.

2005-02-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

chicken pox.

everytime I give the world a chance, they prove me wrong over and over again. does unconditional compassion exist or is it just an act that people stage so as to create a perfect illusion to fool those who are in denial?

there are 2 kinds of people who are constantly aiding the needy:
1) those who do it out of convenience
2) some who think it'll secure them a passport to heaven; but they dread the chore

I havent known anyone in these 16yrs who would step out of their comfort zone and offer to do a deed for me without complaints. you can say that it's incomplete. I've spoken to matong once abt how I feel that friends/aquantances make use of me to vent their frustrations and she all she said was that I should lower my expectations of getting any form of special treatment. it took me quite awhile to absorb that, but I thought it made more sense as I began to read the msg again, in a totally different light.

I gather that in many occasions, our minds would paint a picture of a person at the first impression. it doesnt change till the one of us is put to the test and then we become disappointed with their unwillingness to ease our burden. it happens to everybody in general and it sends the very same msg to everybody: we cannot live with expectations because we'll be risking for a let down.

that's all for now. I hafta get some rest before I mag comes over to mug with me.

2005-02-18T03:10:00.000-08:00

*coughs* teehee. aye, little flutter-by has been caught by a terribly aweful flu bug! it flew up her respitory system on wednesday night - after her sumptious dinner, and forced her to hit the sheets early. before the break of dawn, she was alrdy paralysed in bed, praying for a tad bit of love from someone who cares.

till this point in time, I am still drowning in serious procrastination. SCREAMS! like, hello? I'm suppose to be working 100,000 times harder than slouching on the couch 24/7 and taking extra long naps all afternoon from mondays to fridays! ahem. O levels are drawing nearer by the second woman! tick tock tick tock! I'm gonna screw my ass for that now.

2005-02-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

I havent thought of whad to sacrifice this lent. I hear a calling that tells me to be a torch to somebody that I had a misunderstanding with recently - but george says it isnt a sacrifice. okayye. so here I go again: gotta think of smth else.

quite frankly, I feel like a bum for not having anything to sacrifice for my Saviour! it's the same old thing anually - I am always soo satisfied with myself! I always feel like the little things are not worthy to lift up to Him, so I try to find something that is more significant.

then again, I just thought to myself: isnt it the smaller things that makes a larger impact?

think I'll just pick smth out of the basket and work on it. whad's impt is that I change for a better being right? teehee.

I shall not backstab.

Dear Jesus, pls help me not to be hypocritical but sincere, and to be frank yet tactful when I am displeased with my friends. I want to be friendly to all that I love and hate because You accepted my flaws and love me anyway. Amen.

2005-02-13T03:18:00.000-08:00

oh yayy! can finally blog. ((:

it's been awhile aye!? plenty of events are swirling around me lately and quite frankly, I'm feeling dizzy alrdy. there's been so many questions swimming in my oh-so-cramped mind that I cant come up with rational things to speak of. neither can I resist flaring up at the slightest matter - which is not even nearly related to the core of my problem and I wish I could stop time now to breathe for a second.

smth on the surface: this has been my worst cny.
cny used to be a special time of the year when I reunite with my cousins whom I hardly meet in the course of it. on the eve of the festival, we would take turns to gather round that far too small (for the family) marble table - that has adopted countless scratches on it, like the wrinkles on my grandma's hands. laughter roared like thunder from the kitchen, through the hallway and to the living room which brought abundant joy racing through everybody's hearts.

however, a tragic occurred to my only cherished family - grandma's passing away. eversince, cny had lost it's enchanting significance to me. it is as if the absence of grandma has wiped away the smiles in our lives. this is the one thing that I cant go back to.

2005-01-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

okayye! so I've been neglecting this blog quite abit - but I hardly even find the time for myself! I'm feeling very ill lately and I reckon it's due to the nastily drastic change of weather. it was one usual morning when the sun shone like it had drifted 100,000km nearer to the surface of the earth! ha. whads that stench? I wonder. could it be my burning skin? it's illogical how I can be sniffing, like I was caught in a snow without cloths, under such humid conditions.

jie has been staying in my house for awhile now. it truly feels like having a real sister living with me - how cool can it be? (: 2 sundays ago, we hung out and watched "shall we dance" - it was so excellent! I lurve j.lo's moves and richard gear's ASS! haha. no kiddin'. they're such sexy thangs. haha! oh we realised that j.lo resembles sor sor! haha so pretty aye? I know! we also had lotsa ice-cream that day, oh gawwsh. I was so stuffed.

josephine treated us to dinner at a thai restaurant last week: I tell you, every conversation at the table was bombarded with underlying statements! it was soo bitchy - but I must say that I enjoyed it very much. whoops! it was damn effin' obvious that josephine was trying to get into the good books of auntie agnes and jie sam, and everything she said/commented was like a pack of bullshit! jie sam was soo defensive when josephine enthusiastically exclaimed that they're rather alike. my goodness. I wouldve filmed it (if only I had a camera) and play it over and over again just for laughing pleasure!

back to the present, I actually missed school cos I felt too sick and tired for it. apparently, my mum wasnt too pleased so, ah well. I couldnt care less anyway. I went to the doctor this morning and she insisted that I revert back to her if the fever doesnt discontinue for the next 3 days. urgh. she made it sound so fatal.

jie called twice, after leaving to buy her texts, to ask if I lunched, whad it was, whad did the doc say and whad I would like for tea! how candilicious righ'? I know-ooo! haha. I feel so loved woman! haha. I will miss her madly when she returns to aussieland. bahhh.

that's all for now, really. I need to get started with the undone hw. cant keep procrastinating like this.

2005-01-03T23:03:00.000-08:00

HAPPY SWEET16 TO ME! wow.

birthdays dont always fall on the start of a new school semester, do they? I've been anticipating since 5 days ago - it felt like eons. kept wondering whad he would be getting for me... and now I know! gawwsh I must be psychic. I had this gut feeling telling me all these time that he would get me exactly this bracelet. ha.

we planned to watch "meet the fockers", but those non-16ers were banned. thnx to the effin' shim. I'm soo disgusted! shim's like got no boobs, look like an old man with no life... and sound like an old lady. hurh. how does that sound? are you gonna gag alrdy? bloody shim spoilt my bday. blawh.

the movie was kinda sick. mann. the stupid dawg goes around screwing toys and err. the other cat? then the first word that kiddo learnt was "assh hoooole". lol eeeurgh. gross show. oh well, it cracked me anw. after which, maureen gave me this really sweet "card" - I really dont know whad ya call it - I teared when she presented it to me. mann. sweetness! dinner wasnt too good cos we're all too tired to eat! how can a day of announcements drain us like that? hmmm.

I cant explain how I feel - or maybe I'm just beat. how exactly does sweet16 hafta feel like? right now, I have a whole lot of things at hand to complete and there is absolutely no time for personal emotions to interfere - so how do I get abt not missing the fun that we all had?

like for example on new yr's eve:

there was mass then thanksgiving dinner. my gawwsh. lucas was using his fork to stab raf's "thing" and we all witnessed it! x.x lol then stupidly, raf tried to be nice to him by asking, "hey lucas... whads your name?" muahaha! last joke I heard in the yr 2004. goodness. after that, we headed down to compass to meet camille on the train and when we were abt to get our first family photo taken, the train arrived. haha all because maureen was too slow. oops. it was soo lame when we were on board the train cos george couldnt take a proper photo of us and of himself. tsk tsk. he needs lessons from his ant-sister mawwn.

when we reached the esplanade, the entire place was soo humid! haha then george happily went, "I'm so hot". muahaha. oh well. the very last few moments of the yr 2004 was spent on bitching abt a&j. gawwsh. we're such mean people. there was no countdown due to the tsunami disaster so we kept a moment of silence until the new yr. we were all coincidentally in wear tops and we walked in a choochoo-train manner. hehe! mann we got sprayed with foam like kerazzy. ya know, those people will always go, "kerat kerat. pssssst!". muahaha we're so afraid. we wanted to take a boat ride but $12.50 was too ex so we decided to walk. sat down awhile next to the ocbc centre but the place was too eerie to remain at - clouds drifted past like a storm was drawing near and the back of that rounded wall hid some kinda frankenstein. so we moved on to mcD's. hehe. cool eh? there, we had a meal, chatted alot and laughed like mad (like whads new uh?). it closed at 3am so thats when we started hailing for taxis for camille (but to no avail) then we made our way down... supposedly to town. mann. maybe we shouldnt trust menly intuitions cos when we did, we landed ourselves far from our destination. on the ourse of the entire night, we walked from the esplanade to jalan bersah. muahaha! well, isnt that very near my home alrdy? as we were walking, george HAD to freak me out. when I pointed at the red doors, he HAD to say, "orh hor. you pointed!" then scared me abt the stupid doors. eeeurgh. whad an asshole.

oh yarh. guess whad we found? there's such a place called "coffin st" where coffin makers used to be situated. then later on, there were a series of suicides at the area (where the souls wandered) so it's chinese name changed from "guan cai lu" to "tiao lou jie". it wasnt the most pleasant thing to read past 2am.

after the very very long walk - as we played the alphabet game, we game to a ranbom bus stop and took the first bus that arrived that morning, which was #64 I suppose? anyhow, it brought us to ps! wow. so much for the walking... the bus brought us to where we wanna go like in 5 min? blawh. we sat at the station for quite awhile before we left for home. damn. that morning was soo cold. we all could freeze to death!

that's all for now actually. I have alot of work undone and I think I'm gonna be screwed for that tmr. better scram.

2004-12-28T19:07:00.000-08:00

here's my public confession: YES. I cried on monday night after reading george's msg. it really wasnt anything... sweet nor... you know whad I'm getting at! the silence was really killin me! after spending 3 crappy days, I just couldnt put my mind at ease. anyhow, matong came to my rescue and talked some sense into me (after all these yrs...)! muahaha. I thought I was the only kerazzy one who cried just because I miss the laughter... until maureen rose from her 24hr sleep! whoops. it feels more or less like a dysfunctional family we have here, but I'm most definitely enjoying every part of it (suddenly "seasons in the sun" is playing withint my skull). currently our family song is the distorted version of the barney's song. eeew. no sense of originality! then again, we're alrdy a very weird grp of ppl gathered together because of Christmas. yea and coming to think of that, I'm really loving everyone of them a tad bit more now. (:

we had our family chat last night and I said smth wrong! I'm still feeling the bloody guilt. now I've gotta learn to be smartly vulgar (cos I've bee stupidly vulgar all these yrs). hehe.

our family has been certified "dysfunctional" yet "inseperable" by ME.

if anyone part of the union disagrees, harsh actions will be imposed. muahaha.

2004-12-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS DREAM!

the ambience was soo intensed - I dont know whyye! all of us hung around the vending machine: snapping photos, screaming in excitement and exchanging gifts! it was soo kerazzy I tell ya. (: we planned to go to town but we were stranded at sengkang cos we missed the last trip for every transportation. ah well, since nobody was willing to part their cash for the cab fare, we decided to walk to nad's house (opp hougang green). it was such a walk to rmbr I tell ya! all 8 of us were high on caffeine and sprouting nonsense all the way. I dont know how, but we were "popping cherries"! not literally of cos. muahaha! (well no, we wont do it again!) personally, it was very uncomfortable to be in that lose/short tube dress and heels. blah. (: on the course of our journey, nad and sheena begged a ride off a truck! woohoo! it was really fun. who can imagine spending part of that long Christmas - sitting in a truck for goods? I know none of us had enough of that ride. I rmbr greeting every passing vehicle with "merry Christmas!" and prancing around the place.

finally at nadine's, we watched scream1 together. haha it wasnt that scary if not for maureen. she would scream before the murderer came to sight! gawwsh. apart from that, we were all very very affected by the nascafe! haha. we all felt bloated after consuming it... booo.

thank you all for making this Christmas soo memorable and groovy! grp hugg.

yesterday, we all hung out after church since there was no salt. breakfast at kfc was really funny cos we played alil "hide and seek" with aaron. my gawwsh. daddy rawked my socks when he answered the call and said, "huh... who... when... whad... how... I dont know. byebye!". lol I swear I could die laughing yarh? we lied that we were at jacks place! haha yea riight - early in the morning? after which, we made our way down town anticipating to watch chucky but it was over-rated (as usual) so we watched "without a paddle" instead. hehe mau was hyperventilating next to me pls! then, we had tea/dinner at scotts where we laughed abt almost everything! I felt bad for not being able to finish my food all because I laughed too much. yet again, we spent the night at nadine's. we hada good chat and when we decided to settle for a freaky movie, it wasnt shocking any of us! heh. maybe we're too gleeful in our hearts alrdy. when we woke up today, lucas was alrdy conversing with george. muahaha he was soo cute to ask him "tsk. play with me. tsk. play with me. tsk play with me." to everyone's surprise, george replied, "tsk. dont want. tsk. dont want. tsk. dont want!" LOL. omg pls. I couldnt stop laughin like a mad woman.

I wish everyday could be spent like a sunday. I am dreading the new yr cos I cant part with the present.

whilst we were having the time of our lives, there were tens of thousands who died due to the tsunami. may all of them rest in peace and may their families be comforted.

2004-12-17T23:41:00.000-08:00

such is true. there will always come a time where I'll hafta simmer down my anxieties and hypes - for no soul would rejoice at my triumph nor sob with me at defeat. sometimes, all I hear is my wail in pain or laughter in joy - but do you sense smth amiss? aye. there is no crowd to party or rebel with me. however, I do feel comfortable in this space away from the people - it shelters me from hurt, deceit, hypocrites and a pit-fall-to-come. that mask I flash across my face everyday is only complicating my progress towards becoming "the ideal ME". I wasnt afraid to show but the mass craves only for bubbliness. if there's anyone who would accept every poor soul to offer a listening ear and nvr breathe a word of complaint, that is an angel.

"Dont hoard the past. Dont cherish anything. Burn it."

2004-12-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

urgh. just woke up from a horrible dream. it was abt this:
#1. I traded N6100 for a toyish-looking N7650 (I can only rmbr taking photos with it. blah)
#2. I was doing the first/second reading for salt's mass. I screwed up like crap!
yarh so that's abt it. maybe I pondered too much before bed (that kinda made things worse this morning). I'm hoping dad will reply my msg asap.

last night, a (second) friend told me that I seem obsessed with [tz] and I should get a life. sounds harsh aye? apparently dad said I'm desperate (not very long ago) too. so here's a piece of my mind: even though I seem to talk abt geli 24/7, he's not on my mind for that long. feelings have alrdy mellowed and I just wanna be his friend now. oh gawwsh, I hate being judged like that. it kills me that these people actually think I'm irritatingly desperate for parrot. maybe I shouldnt exagerate my expressions yarh. it took me quite awhile to digest that "desperate" label and I only understood whyye he said that after last night's incident. ya see, my other friend could explain himself better whereas dad wasnt too gd at it. however it was, I still felt the pinch.

I went for penitential service alil late last night. omg. I was avoiding people the whole time! sheesh. when I finally plugged my guts out to meet them, gabeS were being mean. aiya I cant care less abt whad they say. hur. cleopatra they call me. haha! o yes, I forgot to say my penance until I saw dad praying. muahaha. I'm evil. oh hey, I'm trying to be good alrdy yarh. nick thought I was mean to say that the boys in my xclass were a waste of my time. oh wow. I didnt alright? I feel so misunderstood. I should just shuddup.

foolish.

2004-12-04T21:18:00.000-08:00

read up matong's blog and I've finally come to realise how much she's grown over the past 3 yrs. those were the days when we complaint abt such trivial matters and now, nothing's gonna be the same. ever again. as I grow up, I'm coming to experience whad independance is really all abt. it is definitely not settling meals on my own nor shopping alone in orchard. one has to be able to deal with many harsh circumstances in life rationally (without any aid) and have much faith in the BIG GUY. maybe somebody was right - there would come a time in my life, where I seem to be travelling against the world. aye. I believe. I hope I wont ever hafta lose faith in God while I journey through this rocky hills.

2004-12-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

SINGAPORE'S FIRST IDOL: ...TAUFIK BATISAH!!!

the perf was soo moving and he was fantabulously gorgeous. I'm in love with an idol.

2004-12-01T10:54:00.000-08:00

I went down to sentosa again! it was like wow. haha it rained when we got there so yarh I was stranded at 711 with yaofeng and maureen. hur. he's soo lame! ah well, at the very least, it made me alil loony, UNLIKE that pervert's jokes - makes me wanna slap him in his balls (haha quoted from the old man). sheesh mawwn. besides his traumatizing acts on me (and some handful of girls), I just found out that he slapped nadine on her ass! my gawwsh. gabe saw everything! urgh. I'm TOTALLY grossed out. I will hafta chop off the maniac's handSSS no matter whad. he's misusing the gift of God.

note to [THE MOLSTER]: if you ever chance on this, this IS for you (and ONLY YOU). watch your hands ok? piece of advice: lay another finger on any of us, I'll break your fingers with chopsticks and I'll make sure you hang them above your bed! how does that sound? creative?

digressing, maureen and I were chased after by a peacock yesterday! mawwn. we both saw the peacock and I went like, "pls dont come over," and it did! so we figured that it might be the nachos or the hottis that lured it. whatever. then maureen freaked out when it approached her so she threw a nacho at it! great. to everyone's suprise, the peacock liked it! woohoo. fantastico. we ran and hid inside 711 can? I felt so mad hiding from a peacock! when we took peeks at it, we caught it searching frantically for us ok! omg. I didnt know peacocks were that scary. phew!

oh yarh I must promote maureen's photo taking skills here! I mean, she's soo good at it pls! I love the photos she took of me. mama mia! beautilicious photos mawwn. hehe. after that photo taking session I had with her, I now have a deeper understanding of the modelling career. haha it's not as easy as it seems mawwn. my test was to sit on mouldy trees! haha! I took soo long to lay my butt on the trunk. bleargh.

I wanna have more photo shoots! hehe she's now my favourite camera woman. hehe.

2004-11-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

woohoo! it's been 3 days! left home on friday to accompany pigzilla for the night, hehe the house was absolutely weird mawwn. I just refuse to be affected by the queer incidents that happened in the house. ah well I'm not going back in there anymore anyway. phew!

met up with salt at church on saturday morning for the day out. it was soo fun I tell ya! during the ice-breaker, I was made to act like a total schizo! thanks to an old friend-gabe teo. hur. (: besides that, we played dino egg and frizby! omg. it was quite a terror considering that the faggot was playing rough with the girls and showing NO RESPECT at all.

1)tickling under our breasts
2)not stopping the hideous act when I told him off
3)flirting like he's [tz] (oh purrrleeease! give it up alrdy!)

I wont elaborate mawwn. I swear I wouldve castrated him and make him frame this rotten dick. then later on, a biker hit my hip wen he passed the grp of us heading towards cp. great. I dont even know if it was on purpose. just glad that dad and gabe howled at him. (: nice! oops.

at the end of yesterday, I was too worn out and ended up cmg in late for mass. whad a sinner I am. it didnt start off too bad and the blessings carried on throughout the day! (: [tz] msged me quite abit today and you can most certainly be sure I was flying! I even walked into sher when talking to him! omg. I should get a grip mawwn. actually, the more I look at him, the darker he gets! wow! he's like turning into the hunk of my dreams! :x muahaha I'm such a bimbotic sucker. wish I got to see him in the tux but I didnt cos silly poly took the wrong train. booo.

everyday is SUNDAY!(:

sher, nana and myself spent the day at cine (cos of the bad bad weather). we watched"without a paddle" twas darn cool a'ights? it's funny, intriguing, exciting and fantabulously heart-warming mawwn. just a gist of it: it abt 3 friends fulfilling a dead friend's dreams. cool uh? I know!(:

my last bit tonight is, SHER makes fantabulicious cookies! mamamia! muack muack. I wish I could bake. haha.

2004-11-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

dont assume me, mum. you're always setting expectations for me without seeing who I really am and who I want to be. it's not abt who you want me to be, ya know? it's like you dont trust whad I tell you. I mean it when I say I will be back for dinner! my protests are unheard, and my cries have fallen on deaf ears. I'm feeling helpless and I'm losing my grip. cousins are too "mature" to rmbr whad it's like to be a teen, and friends dont know the answer to all my doubts. it's as if the entire humanity has spread to an infinity of directions, leaving me alone to survive every ordeal that's placed ahead of me now. all I ask of, is an angel to listen attentively to my inner voice.

on a lighter note, I went out with "aunt" amanda all afternoon. hee. we caught up abit, watched the incredibles and shopped alot! omg. she's one shoppahlic mawwn. the best part of it all was the movie cos it was worth every single cent! weee! I had lotsa fun with her. if you ever chance on this aunt, thnx alot for everything today. muacks.

2004-11-21T07:20:00.000-08:00

booo think I'm fallin' ill soon. today's commissioning went quite well and besides that, I got to see [him] thrice today! weee! ha. you must be thinkin' how crazy am I abt this guy riight? well, I cant tell for sure. it's like, I cant help but feel drawn when I see him. a smile would just spread across my face when he comes into sight. ya know? (: anw he told me my shades are cool. ha that totally made my day even better! teehee.

even though I alrdy know that this outrageous "love"-quardrant will get nowhere, my heart still races at the sight of him. ex was flipping through the "book of answers" and I asked if [tz] would like me in return someday. whad did the book say? "OF COURSE!" haha. bullshit. it made me laugh.

oh yah! I bought new bikinis. :x $49.00 for it. I'm soo dead mawwn.

2004-11-20T23:30:00.000-08:00

omg. just got back home from my first choir retreat! phew! it's abt 7-8hrs of singing and MORE singing. hehe shiok ah? had alot of parts to learn during combine pract. haha jess and I could almost faint pls. dui. haha yah then I got my chance to catch up with andrew (yes, lim. joyce's bro!), during dinner time. (: nvr found him that nice to speak to actually. see whad time can do to people? hehe. after dinner was pnw.. whoa marilyn, camille, ann, jess, sheena, lynn, christine and myself were like singing at the top of our voices - even when we do not know the songs! coolness aye? I teared alil somewhere in the middle of it.. cos I was looking back on the days when jie first introduced me to fits and the children's ministry. gawwsh I've certainly come a long way. also, like how we used to sing in her bedroom and compose songs together. siigh. it feels as though I've lost it all. or have I?

I'm still seeking for an identity. am I almost there? I am not who people think I am but I'm too tired to impress anyone. if anybody wansta know more abt me, it's for me to know and for you to find out. I dont need people discussing my charactor.

btw, does it matter who I like?

2004-11-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

sheesh mawwn! taufik totally rawked the stage (and all television sets) last night! *screams like a bimbo* haha I was close to tears when he sang "this is the moment", seriously! haha I place my bets on him mawwn! yepp. I'm praying soo hard singapore wouldnt vote for sly. he's soo beng! no class mawwn. :x whyye would we want him as our icon on world idol? booo. okayye, I shall not be mean any further.. I'm not any better aye? oops! back to taufik batisah! hehe. I'm still in awe of his performance pls! he's one good looking guy who has da moves yea? and also absolutely fantastic lalala vocals! muahaha. he is soo cool!

I LOVE TAUFIK BATISAH! VOTE FOR HIM! (:

2004-11-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

well it seems like nothing that I do these days are rational. take last night's event for example, I didnt hafta show my displease but whyye did I? ha. I'm being such a girl! the matters that I could have taken full control has turned into a cause of a silent war (he's prolly too afraid to speak up to me now). sometimes I wonder if he has the heart to bother abt how I feel or is he such a painful insentive whore? nevertheless, I know I've gotta get over this. it's ruining my life starting from the bits! I'm sick of being there like the man's bestfriend. I didnt hafta put myself so low cos I'm worth - priceless! ha. ya see, it's his loss - not mine.

on a lighter note, we've been planning for a post midnight mass activity since 2 nights ago! teehee I've been dreaming abt this for ages! ha. we're all too excited now. bleargh. but before all that takes place, I'm still contemplating if I should sing at the midnight mass. *raises eyebrow* I hate dilemmas. booo.

2004-11-14T23:47:00.000-08:00

... last day of cathechism...

it's been a very happening day but I'm too shagged to elaborate.

I'm just wondering could daddy be right. sighh. I cant help but ponder upon this:
girlfriends often tell you whad you wanna hear. guyfriends would rather tell you the truth.
so whadda you think? truth hurts alot. then again, it's always abt how you take it - constructive criticism OR letting your defences run you over. riight?

overwhelming feelings can ruin anybody. anger and jealousy causes impulsive actions - but these are only the bad vibes we get. sometimes, such a joyful thing (like love) can lead to drastic events too. life had nvr been soo complicating.

I wanna be a child again.

2004-11-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

tamed.

whyye is it that I feel like I hafta answer my every action to him? it's not like he cares or even bother abit. it's scary when some guy comes around and makes you feel like this. it's as though I wanna become someone like him: always doing whad is right. it's not a bad thing, but that'll mean that I will hafta be less crazy. here's the twist: if I'm not allowed to be mad, and this madness is the mask that covers up my past, whad am I suppose to do?

woke up feeling like a schizo. dont ask. I had a very vexing sleep. even though there are people out there who are concerned, I dont feel like I wanna converse abt my problem. maybe I need professional help. I always thought I needed one yea.

someone close to me would hurt me the most. ultimately, nobody will be there when you need them at periods of crisis. believe me. it's true. even mothers are not constant supporters. when nobody in the world knows who you are, that's when you find yourself. a whole. I still have a heart and a rational mind. at intervals like this, I stop and find myself wondering in an entirely new environment. who would have thought I'd be who I am today?

2004-11-07T01:41:00.000-08:00

FINALLY CONFIRMED!

I really dont know if I'm gleeful or sad at this moment. the whole mass was poshly extravagant! it's really quite a sight to see my friends all dressed for the occasion. it's a once in a lifetime chance to recieve this sacrament and I think I'll forever be in awe.

you-know-who was soo suave today! bleargh. it was muh second time seeing him in a shirt. woot! teehee. gen gen is kerazzily infatuated. I was even listening to "chapel of love" on my way to church! wah. surely uh? I'm certain I still want it as my wedding song. actually, I've even thought of 3 girls who could sing an acapella for me! muahaha. madness. weee! seeing his handsome face makes me happy!

dodo and dada faked to take photo with *ahem* us! booo. they hid themselves when the camera clicked can! stooopid girls. haha. it's fun though. :x teehee I'm lame. I think I should've taken a photo with him later on (if he didnt run away when I came). haha! bleargh whyye would he run away? I'm so hot pls. :P teehee. dodo was going like, "you-know-who come take picture! GEN ALSO!" muahaha. sheesh. not say very obvious whad uh?

after all the running abt and photo taking... Godma, mummy, chris, jen, sorsor teresa, kor andrew and myself headed to sakae for lunch! weee! I finally got my sakae treat! yummy! I lurve jap cuisines. haha been craving for it since tuesday night? haha some people would know actually. I was grumbling the whole time!

now I'm waiting for him to come online. pls God! let something spark! bring some sense to him. how could anyone reject such an angelic babe like me? muahaha. afterall, I'm your masterpiece! bleargh. I dont know whad God just said. there are a few possible answers:
1)wait awhile
2)NO!
3)YES! right away!
muahaha. silly me. I even cried the other night cos I was freakin' irritated with the whole crushing-on-him thing. booo. then again, crying doesnt prove my weakness. giving in does. yupp. I've learnt to give and take anw - I doubt it'll hurt as much as previously.

2004-11-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

I want my sunshine smile back! wont let another heartbreaker rob it from me again. I wont be fragile. I'm gonna BE strong. there's no need to tell myself that I need to hide behind muh smile so that nobody will see the broken side of me. nobody breaks me.

I dont know how I lost my way... I even forgot my purpose-to touch lives like an angel (inspiration frm monica). God, I hope it's not too late to come back to your service.

did I take too much into my own hands? or did I heed the wrong advices? does it all matter when I've decided to make a come back?

actually, nth is really that problemetic if I deal it with a smile. everytime, I would fall into the traps of hatred and infatuation-that lures me into a well of darkness. so silly uh? now I must focus.

the word is: touch.

2004-11-03T05:12:00.000-08:00

fallen head over heals
I've fallen in love with YOU
I've fallen
I dont wanna get up
becuase of love

whyye isnt he logging online yet? I need to speak to him now! whyye gen. whyye? whad is the matter with you? urgh.

I hafta clear my name asap.

"where art thou crying soldier".

2004-10-31T23:21:00.000-08:00

weee! today was soo eventful. teehee.

got up late and I hadda rush into cathechism when nick was in the midst of his lecture. booo. great timing uh? after that, he had to rake our sentimentality cos it is our last lesson. oh pls! nelson was probably right - "sentimental is whad makes us different frm animals". okayye. maybe even if nick didnt bring it up, it would still be inevitable. booo. anyhow, I still think "sentimental makes us stupid". haha. sometimes I can be so thick-headed, dont you think?

so then at mass, I sang a verse over the mic! weee! it's been smth that I dreamt of doing for a very long time! haha yea. I really appreciate the opportunity. oh guess whad?? he was standing THERE when I was singing. gawwsh my heart was skipping a beat pls. haha. I totally envy ann sometimes.

after that, *abigail* was teasing me at breakfast! wow. it was not as if he wasnt too obvious aye? stupid guy. anw, my prince is so much smarter than he is pls! gawwsh. I know he cares but isnt he being a tad bit too bitchy? :x bleargh. then again, I cant really decide if I like it or not. oh how? *abigail* had instilled hope in me! booo. this sucks. why does he always hafta screw up my composure?

2004-10-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

has anybody wondered how many different kindS of complexed feelings a teenager faces in a day? I'm living in a pool of confusion! boo. when will I grow out of this phase? there's alot more than juvenile problems y'know? I just dont feel like I'm handling matters like I used to. why dont I clarify myself when I've obviously been misunderstood? maybe I'm giving my actions more thought now uh? on the other hand, not proving my point to "the bitch" makes me seem weak and (very) vulnerable. then again, another question arises: why do I hafta answer anybody for my actions? GAWWSH! everything's in a swirl.

at the retreat...
I had a strong sense of regret brewing in me. really thought I should've changed my Godparent. its not that Auntie Anne doesnt make a good one (of cos!), but I just dont feel like I can relate to her! I guess I've only realised the importance of choosing the right one. sighh. it's alil too late isnt it? O God... pls help me! may this be a blessing in disguise? I'm only worried that one day, the person whom I thought I could relate to, as a teen, I wouldnt be able to relate to her when I'm older. whines. confirmation is in 2 weeks and I feel like I'm not equipped (like all of a sudden?). :x sheesh. GEN GEN GEN! whad is so wrong with you? are your kerazzy or whad? boo.

back to school tmr again? it sucks. I absolutely hate the post-examinations programmes. (everybody does, infact!) the number of students turning up in school - since they announced the new system - had fallen tremendously! sinister laughter. serves them right! bleargh. I wish I could get secondary school over and done with. it's totally screwed up my life.

2004-10-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION!
I've put up a comments mailbox so if there's anything that anyone wansta say, just leave a msg yea?

yikes! dardar jen and I spotted this rweally sweet top at Fox today. guess whad? it's only for $10! wee! we're going back there to grab our tank/tee tmr. omg I cant wait! oh yes. talking abt anticipation, I'm gonna buy feeshees frm mau! haha it's gonna be our little secret till xmas. (: we even thought of naming them! one of which will be called "LLLoooLLL". cool uh? winks. mau suggested it cos I was laughing so hard last night. hehe I reckon it's gonna be a great day tmr - afterall, I'll be doing so much shopping! yupp will be buying unkerer's pressie at the same time (think he'll like it)! teehee.

on a personal note...
life is nvr a smoothe journey. just look at how far I've come since that life-changing hurdle? (: I may be alil complasent on somedays - thinking that the old me was much more "lovable" - but I sure grew to become rather rational. however, even if my mindset has matured, sometimes I refuse to carry out the "right" way of handling matters. is this a phase which everyone goes through?

2004-10-20T07:05:00.000-07:00

O weee! I can pon school tmr, friday and saturday! yay! haha how fantabulous is that? I'm soo surprised that mummy agreed to it. teehee. I'm gonna dedicate tmr to mugging (surely! cant believe myself) cos my results were not ideal. ya know whad? maybe after these 4 days of self-appointed holidays, I may never ever wanna step back in school! :x well, doesnt that always hafta happen? I mean, the school's not even appealing to me! boo. let's not even speak of myself. there are many others in muh class who's not turning up for the rest of the week either. the attendance is gonna be appalling! :x

I just watched "the champion" (a new 9pm teevee serial) on ch8 and guess whad? I cant help feeling the urge to put on my swimwear and dive into the pool! muahaha. :x I know, I must be sounding kerazzy but hey! I'd lurf to be labelled "DA babe". who (in my world) wouldnt wanna be, right? I guess I'm really caught up in the material world - I just wanna be an "idol". I've led enough of that boring nerdy-life and now that I'm in the midst of my teenage years, I wanna make the best out of it! I want it happening and so memorable for myself. (: time waits for nobody and I'm not gonna give gravity the chance to do what it does best, before I enjoy my prime. haha. weee! I'm a kerazzy little thing. woot.

2004-10-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

my curiousity has been satisfied today! now, I can be almost certain that I wont hafta retain next yr (which implies that I can recover from insomnia and "depression". but I'm still keeping muh fingers crossed). however, all of the subjects were not performed up to my expectations (nvm abt the school's), and most of which were a terrible letdown. still anticipating for my english results, I'm not gonna put my hopes too high. afterall, it is the subject that will determine my fate!

Post Examination Programmes
O what idiots they are! why cant they start with the "extra lessons" now rather than taking up our time during the holidays? they gotta conduct lame activities to keep us occupied aye? ugh. spare me! what's a CCA-day? goodness! they are so full of crap, I tell you. nvm that, what abt "educational movies"? gee. I feel like I'm under childcare! sighh. it is such a pity that the school have failed beyond recognition to mobilise their students in participating the programmes they have organised. we have better things to do than attending talks which nvr benefit us, mind you. O o smth not to miss out: due to poor response from the parents to attend the family day carnival, the school authorities have decided to make it compulsory for all of us to participate in various ways. doesnt it sound nutified to have 1/2 a class (that's 21 people pls) tending to a stall? on top of it, I had nvr felt "in place" on such occasions because they're like a social insult to me? for crying out loud! even if we get everything together, it's not gonna help increase the number of parents turning up. in other words, we're like preparing for nothing. I'm sorry to say that it should've been done eons ago. every creative idea is a polished product of a bad idea. savy? well I guess I'm gonna find a way to give it a miss.

Informal Uniform
I wonder who's silly idea was it. the "informal wear" concept is a total rip off from sng! so much abt originality aye? thumbs down! anyhow, why would any sec3 wanna get it for another yr? it's pure insanity. well, the sec1s ought to realise that they're down for shit as the yrs go by. the school's propaganda is weak - largely due to it's internal political affairs! sinister laugh.

2004-10-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

boo. piggin' out can really get me ill.

symptoms
1) aching body
2) migrains
3) lethargic
4) feelin' feverish (when there's no temperature at all)

I seriously need to occupy myself as much as possible.

yikes. I have cravings for a sundae right now!

My Desire
I really really want a new hp! samsung slide phones seem so attractive to me these days. boohoo but I'm not gonna be disloyal to nokia of cos. I dont mind the upcoming model N6630 afterall! gee I hope it doesnt get released too soon (so I can work on my results and ask muh momma to get it for me)! :x grunts. I want it! I feel like a brat but I just cant suppress my desire for it. I'm seduced. rah ha ha ha...

2004-10-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

aye. I know! why a new blog again? gen O! gen. what is the matter with your fickleness?

HEADLINES
sher. rina. and myself were suppose to find that roxy factory outlet taday but we didnt! boo we walked all around novena square then all the way to united square and back - havent being able to satisfy our wants for cheaper goods. after that, we travelled to orchard and popped into mng, topshop and surf babe. O! I must must mention that there was a fantastically gorgeous lookin' brown velvet skirt that I really lurved and a maroon tee, but boo it costs like a bomb.

anyhow, we went to watch white chicks on impulse! haha well we're impulsve because we've heard too many good reviews abt it and we just had to see it for ourselves! oo yeah. it was a super hilarious movie! we nvr stopped laughing from the moment we settled on the seats till the credits came on. hahaha it's a comedy flick not to be missed! woohoo! sher was having her "asthma attacks" and her hair was tickling her neck like crazy. haha that girl is crappy!

I met debra and clarity in town and the 2 girls comented that my friends are so model-like. ha. I wish someone would compliment me like that. hehe. oh guess what? I also found out that sher's cousin was felicia - that girl whom I spoke to last yr in cathechism! she had that very nice bag and shoes/slip-ons. haha! how very interesting aye? I was really impressed with her. yupp.

now. enough of fun. school reopens tmr and the horror BEGINS. I'm gonna get back muh terribly done papers and face the drastic music.